Dear God, Are you fucking joking me?!

Dear God, Are you fucking joking me?!

via Daily Prompt: Joke

Todays Daily prompt instantly made me thing of my life and all the times Ive looked up at God (my God….you can believe in whatever God you want) and gone “are you FUCKING kidding me?! Is this a joke!” It never was in fact a joke but my God does like to be funny sometimes. Sometimes my life has been a comedy of errors. I can look back now and laugh but I promise you I wasnt laughing at the time. Cue Alanis Morissette’s Isnt it ironic in the background for good measure.

One example of this is:  When I Moved out on my own as a single mom for the first time and had left with no money…was just starting my business, could barely put food on the table and my aunt and uncle showed up with my mom (who had disowned me because I wouldnt let her drink in my house anymore because of yet another drunken scene) who hadnt spoken to me for 6 years and told me she had 3 forms of stage 4 cancer and they werent taking her back with them. I seriously went wtf then! I was so lost and had NO idea what the hell I was going to do. I could barely support us let alone all 3 of us! And I had gone from a 3 br 3 ba house to a one bedroom cottage for both my daughter and I. I had two queen beds in the room (taking up the whole room) just so my daughter would think it was fun that we had the biggest bed ever!

What ended up happening is my mother and I forgave each other. We were able to make amends. I was able to be a daughter and take care of her until she died. We were able to have closure. Friends and even people I didnt know came over to help and drop off food and let me get out for an hour and helped take care of her. I was able to reach out to women who I knew had also lost a parent and they were able to share their experience, strength and hope with me and tell me how they got through it. It ended up being a blessing.

The ironic thing here is I got sober at 21. You will hear me mention it many times in blogs im sure. Its been 22 years now since Ive had any mood or mind altering substance. My parents HATED the fact that I got sober. (Crazy considering how many years they had bailed me out of one thing after another).  My mother especially. Whether she was alcoholic or not is not my place to say, but i never saw her a day in my life without a beer in her hand but I also never saw her crazy drunk. She hated being around anyone who didnt drink. In the end, it was all sober friends who helped me with her. It was incredibly ironic and also beautiful.

There are so many instances of times where Ive just looked up and thought why me. WTF God. How am I going to get through this? And in every instance I was right where I was meant to be for whatever was going on. Why NOT me? Everyone has to live life on lifes terms and its not always fun or easy. But today I have the ability to walk though every “Is this a fucking joke?” situation with grace and dignity. Im also never alone.

 

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