Maybe I”ll write about maybe…maybe I wont.
Whats been on my mind today is To thine own self be true. Ive been thinking about many things in my life lately from my friends to my job to my relationship with my daughter to the clothes I wear.
To thine own self be true for me has meant getting to know Barb. What Barb likes, what Barb believes in, How Barb feels in any given situation or relationship whether it be parent/child, romantic, friend. Over the last two years Ive come to stand on my own more than I ever have. Ive taken the time to think. To think in each situation how I feel about it. This has caused me to walk away from friendships that were no longer serving me (and I dont mean that in a mean way) What I mean is I cant like everybody and not everybody is going to like me. What I found is that I had a few dozen friends who continually brought me down or brought out a part of myself that I didnt like anymore. I was friends with them because I had always been friends with them. Rather than making the unacceptable acceptable I chose to walk away. I didnt make a big deal about it. I just became less available. When it comes to friends, I want people in my life that encourage me to be better than I was yesterday and bring joy into my life. I want to go to dinner with people I really want to spend time with not say yes just to be polite and suffer through a meal. I realized that I dont like huge group dinners, but I love one on one time with one or two people. I realized that many of my close friends dont care about going to a restaurant that is way outside my budget and that its more about the quality of time we spend than where we are going. I like spending time with those friends. (I also have friends that refuse to go anywhere but the best most expensive places wherever we are) What I also realized is that I have choices. I can say no and its a complete sentance and I dont have to have an excuse. Not only has this freed up my time for the people i love spending time with but its given me time to spend time with people I might like and might want to get to know better.
As far as work….Ive been fortunate enough for years to be able to pick and choose the people I work with and for. I run a marketing company down here and can only take on a certain number of clients at any given time. I rarely have openings and even when I do I am very picky about who I will take on. Ive made some guideline for myself that not everyone has the luxury of. I will only work directly with owners because things can get misconstrued and egos are involed normally in management. I only work with small companies because I feel that they 1) need my services the most and 2) appreciate my services the most, I work with people who believe in giving back to the community and most of all I wont work with arrogant dickheads. I can do that. Its my company. Just being able to do these things has made me look forward to going into work every single day. That right there…thats a gift!
My family….Jesus..family. Does ANYONE have a non-dysfunctional family? My family can be nuts. But I love them. The way I think is insanely different from my family. My father specifically. Maybe its generational. Im very much of the thought process of if something isnt working….change. My father is of the thought process that he is stuck in whatever the situation du jour is and refuses to think differently. He is dishonest to a fault and finds it easier to lie about even the most simple things and i am honest to a fault. I cant do anything that makes me feel bad to where I cant lay my head down at night and fall asleep. If it keeps me up I better not be doing it is my mindset. Whats nice is thats ok. He can be him and I can be me and in the end we are still family. We can agree to disagree on anything and everything. On the flip side he know about lots of stuff Im still clueless about. I look at a car and if its pretty i like it. He looks at the mechanics. Im a girl afterall 🙂
Romantic Relationships (what are those…….kidding) Ive done it a hundred different ways. This is an area where ive had to make the wrong decisions to find out what the right ones were. Pain is a great motivator to me as well. Ive dated (I still dont understand how people date many people at one time…thats never been my thing. Of that Im sure). Ive done booty calls or one time hook ups. I dont like the way they make me feel the next day so I choose not to do that anymore. Ive dated guys that were past boyfriends that Im comfortable with and have flown me back and forth to some amazing places all in the name of sex and a good time. That worked for a while because it was 1) fun 2)comfortable 3) convenient (in that I could go out there, do what i wanted to do and come back and put my nose back to the grindstone and not have the emotional entanglements associated with a proper relationship). Thats fun in theory. Til its not. Til I started to want someone around more than just now and then. I was married for 10 years. THAT im really good at. I do exceptionally well in a serious monogamous relationship. Thats where Ive always been the most comfortable. Ive never had the need to wander. I like the comfort and routine. I like sharing my life with someone and going to bed with someone at night. I like love. I believe in love. What I dont believe in is being the only one working for that relationship. I dont like feeling like roommates in a relationship. Relationships (of all kinds) are work. A LOT of work. The fact of the matter for me TODAY is that I dont have to settle. If I dont want to go on a date with someone I can say no. I dont have to date just to date. If i want to go to the movies or to dinner I can take myself. I LOVE ME! I have fun with me 🙂 What Ive realized is I have to want to spend time with someone more than I want to do all of the things in my life that I enjoy. I have a full life. I want someone to add to that rather than take away from it. In the end its about two people bringing what they have to offer to the table and building a life together with those things. I can be me and they can be them. I dont have to like all the things they like and vice versa.
How I dress. A friend recently brought this up to me which is why im mentioning it. He said every time i see you you look different. I cant figure out a set style for you and you always surprise me. My answer to that is the one its always been. I dress according to how I feel. Whatever mood strikes me, thats what I go with. Its quite simple really. And honestly nothing all that exciting. Its not like im eccentric or anything. Im actually pretty boring. If I feel like wearing a dress or its exceptionally hot out so I dont feel like wearing a bra for fear it will strangle me in the humidity…I wear a dress. Sometimes I feel like jeans, sometimes I like to look nice or feel like I have style (that goes back to the days of living in a city where you didnt dare walk out without makeup/hair did etc), sometimes I wanna go out in a ratty tee shirt and flip flops. Im a grown ass woman. I can do that.
In the end I need to like me and feel like me. In order to like me I have to follow my heart. To my own self be true.