via Daily Prompt: Surface
Dont pay attention to what’s on the surface. Everything thats real is underneath. That is where truth lies, experience, hope, joys pain, all of the things that have made me who I am today, true beauty, strength..
If you can get past the exterior. If you can dig. Break the surface and see what you find.
You may know me by name but do you really know who I am? Im not my job or my name or my family. Im not the exterior I show you. That is all a part of me, but it is the smallest part of me. Under the surface is the struggle, the past that has shaped my future. My beliefs and goals and hopes and dreams.
When you meet someone dont judge on what you see. Judge on what you get to know. Take time to spend with people to get to know the real them. There is always so much more to people than what you see if you look beneath the surface.
via Daily Prompt: Maybe
Maybe I”ll write about maybe…maybe I wont.
Whats been on my mind today is To thine own self be true. Ive been thinking about many things in my life lately from my friends to my job to my relationship with my daughter to the clothes I wear.
To thine own self be true for me has meant getting to know Barb. What Barb likes, what Barb believes in, How Barb feels in any given situation or relationship whether it be parent/child, romantic, friend. Over the last two years Ive come to stand on my own more than I ever have. Ive taken the time to think. To think in each situation how I feel about it. This has caused me to walk away from friendships that were no longer serving me (and I dont mean that in a mean way) What I mean is I cant like everybody and not everybody is going to like me. What I found is that I had a few dozen friends who continually brought me down or brought out a part of myself that I didnt like anymore. I was friends with them because I had always been friends with them. Rather than making the unacceptable acceptable I chose to walk away. I didnt make a big deal about it. I just became less available. When it comes to friends, I want people in my life that encourage me to be better than I was yesterday and bring joy into my life. I want to go to dinner with people I really want to spend time with not say yes just to be polite and suffer through a meal. I realized that I dont like huge group dinners, but I love one on one time with one or two people. I realized that many of my close friends dont care about going to a restaurant that is way outside my budget and that its more about the quality of time we spend than where we are going. I like spending time with those friends. (I also have friends that refuse to go anywhere but the best most expensive places wherever we are) What I also realized is that I have choices. I can say no and its a complete sentance and I dont have to have an excuse. Not only has this freed up my time for the people i love spending time with but its given me time to spend time with people I might like and might want to get to know better.
As far as work….Ive been fortunate enough for years to be able to pick and choose the people I work with and for. I run a marketing company down here and can only take on a certain number of clients at any given time. I rarely have openings and even when I do I am very picky about who I will take on. Ive made some guideline for myself that not everyone has the luxury of. I will only work directly with owners because things can get misconstrued and egos are involed normally in management. I only work with small companies because I feel that they 1) need my services the most and 2) appreciate my services the most, I work with people who believe in giving back to the community and most of all I wont work with arrogant dickheads. I can do that. Its my company. Just being able to do these things has made me look forward to going into work every single day. That right there…thats a gift!
My family….Jesus..family. Does ANYONE have a non-dysfunctional family? My family can be nuts. But I love them. The way I think is insanely different from my family. My father specifically. Maybe its generational. Im very much of the thought process of if something isnt working….change. My father is of the thought process that he is stuck in whatever the situation du jour is and refuses to think differently. He is dishonest to a fault and finds it easier to lie about even the most simple things and i am honest to a fault. I cant do anything that makes me feel bad to where I cant lay my head down at night and fall asleep. If it keeps me up I better not be doing it is my mindset. Whats nice is thats ok. He can be him and I can be me and in the end we are still family. We can agree to disagree on anything and everything. On the flip side he know about lots of stuff Im still clueless about. I look at a car and if its pretty i like it. He looks at the mechanics. Im a girl afterall 🙂
Romantic Relationships (what are those…….kidding) Ive done it a hundred different ways. This is an area where ive had to make the wrong decisions to find out what the right ones were. Pain is a great motivator to me as well. Ive dated (I still dont understand how people date many people at one time…thats never been my thing. Of that Im sure). Ive done booty calls or one time hook ups. I dont like the way they make me feel the next day so I choose not to do that anymore. Ive dated guys that were past boyfriends that Im comfortable with and have flown me back and forth to some amazing places all in the name of sex and a good time. That worked for a while because it was 1) fun 2)comfortable 3) convenient (in that I could go out there, do what i wanted to do and come back and put my nose back to the grindstone and not have the emotional entanglements associated with a proper relationship). Thats fun in theory. Til its not. Til I started to want someone around more than just now and then. I was married for 10 years. THAT im really good at. I do exceptionally well in a serious monogamous relationship. Thats where Ive always been the most comfortable. Ive never had the need to wander. I like the comfort and routine. I like sharing my life with someone and going to bed with someone at night. I like love. I believe in love. What I dont believe in is being the only one working for that relationship. I dont like feeling like roommates in a relationship. Relationships (of all kinds) are work. A LOT of work. The fact of the matter for me TODAY is that I dont have to settle. If I dont want to go on a date with someone I can say no. I dont have to date just to date. If i want to go to the movies or to dinner I can take myself. I LOVE ME! I have fun with me 🙂 What Ive realized is I have to want to spend time with someone more than I want to do all of the things in my life that I enjoy. I have a full life. I want someone to add to that rather than take away from it. In the end its about two people bringing what they have to offer to the table and building a life together with those things. I can be me and they can be them. I dont have to like all the things they like and vice versa.
How I dress. A friend recently brought this up to me which is why im mentioning it. He said every time i see you you look different. I cant figure out a set style for you and you always surprise me. My answer to that is the one its always been. I dress according to how I feel. Whatever mood strikes me, thats what I go with. Its quite simple really. And honestly nothing all that exciting. Its not like im eccentric or anything. Im actually pretty boring. If I feel like wearing a dress or its exceptionally hot out so I dont feel like wearing a bra for fear it will strangle me in the humidity…I wear a dress. Sometimes I feel like jeans, sometimes I like to look nice or feel like I have style (that goes back to the days of living in a city where you didnt dare walk out without makeup/hair did etc), sometimes I wanna go out in a ratty tee shirt and flip flops. Im a grown ass woman. I can do that.
In the end I need to like me and feel like me. In order to like me I have to follow my heart. To my own self be true.
via Daily Prompt: Joke
Todays Daily prompt instantly made me thing of my life and all the times Ive looked up at God (my God….you can believe in whatever God you want) and gone “are you FUCKING kidding me?! Is this a joke!” It never was in fact a joke but my God does like to be funny sometimes. Sometimes my life has been a comedy of errors. I can look back now and laugh but I promise you I wasnt laughing at the time. Cue Alanis Morissette’s Isnt it ironic in the background for good measure.
One example of this is: When I Moved out on my own as a single mom for the first time and had left with no money…was just starting my business, could barely put food on the table and my aunt and uncle showed up with my mom (who had disowned me because I wouldnt let her drink in my house anymore because of yet another drunken scene) who hadnt spoken to me for 6 years and told me she had 3 forms of stage 4 cancer and they werent taking her back with them. I seriously went wtf then! I was so lost and had NO idea what the hell I was going to do. I could barely support us let alone all 3 of us! And I had gone from a 3 br 3 ba house to a one bedroom cottage for both my daughter and I. I had two queen beds in the room (taking up the whole room) just so my daughter would think it was fun that we had the biggest bed ever!
What ended up happening is my mother and I forgave each other. We were able to make amends. I was able to be a daughter and take care of her until she died. We were able to have closure. Friends and even people I didnt know came over to help and drop off food and let me get out for an hour and helped take care of her. I was able to reach out to women who I knew had also lost a parent and they were able to share their experience, strength and hope with me and tell me how they got through it. It ended up being a blessing.
The ironic thing here is I got sober at 21. You will hear me mention it many times in blogs im sure. Its been 22 years now since Ive had any mood or mind altering substance. My parents HATED the fact that I got sober. (Crazy considering how many years they had bailed me out of one thing after another). My mother especially. Whether she was alcoholic or not is not my place to say, but i never saw her a day in my life without a beer in her hand but I also never saw her crazy drunk. She hated being around anyone who didnt drink. In the end, it was all sober friends who helped me with her. It was incredibly ironic and also beautiful.
There are so many instances of times where Ive just looked up and thought why me. WTF God. How am I going to get through this? And in every instance I was right where I was meant to be for whatever was going on. Why NOT me? Everyone has to live life on lifes terms and its not always fun or easy. But today I have the ability to walk though every “Is this a fucking joke?” situation with grace and dignity. Im also never alone.
Daily Prompt: Word of the Day: Luxury
I really had to think about this one a bit today. My first thought was that what I have today are luxury problems lol. I suppose its all about perspective but I think everything outside of my basic needs are a luxury. I live on a 2 x 4 mile island that people pay thousands of dollars to come to for a weekend. I GET to live here. I pay for it 🙂 but its worth it. And its a luxury. Down here even having a washer and dryer on property is a luxury. Most people in the world assume if you have a house then duh of course you have a washer/dryer. The fact is that many rentals here on the island do not have them. I will be forever grateful that i do! 🙂
Some other luxuries in my life (This could technically be a gratitude list as well)
Its a luxury when i get to sleep in, when I get to go to the bathroom alone for 5 seconds (because Im a mom), that I can get anywhere I want to go within 4 miles, that i dont have to drive…ever if I didnt want to (actually..having a car down here is a luxury), to not sit in traffic like the mainland is a luxury, being able to wake up to the smell of fresh coffee because i remembered to set the coffee maker on a timer the night before is a luxury, being surrounded by the wide open ocean that I can play on anytime I want, Being able to work for myself is a luxury in 100 different ways, being able to afford to buy a back up pair of glasses today (for some people its hard to buy one pair. Those fuckers are expensive), being able to trade work for monthly massages is a double luxury, I have the luxury of independence and a million other things that i really try not to take for granted…..my favorite though is the luxury of travel (see the above photo) Being able to stay on the water for a race with my closest girlfriends and have a big ass tub that we can all fit in AND bubbles. Now that shits a luxury!
via Daily Prompt: Paint
What does my morning look like? Well….My morning is looking like afternoon since I went to bed at 7 am. Coincidentally, Todays Daily prompt word was Paint. Thats perfect cause Im covered in it 🙂
Meet Mannequin Madness. My latest project. Im always up to something. I happened to pick this beauty up at a yard sale. She is from the now long closed Fast Buck Freddies here in Key West and I got her for $10. Can you believe that shit! Anyway, she is my new muse. Ill be taking her piece by piece over the next few weeks and giving her new life. The problem with these projects or any projects when it comes to me is that once i start I get immersed in the process and just cant stop.
I wanted to sleep last night, however my mind was still going. Something is going on with me creatively lately. It started with new business cards. (which I didnt need) Then a new website. (again…dont need). I can rarely take on new clients but there I was til 4 am each night still working on a website because the ideas just kept coming!!!! Then came this blog……This was a way to get back to journaling every day. Now Im excited about it and my mind is racing!!! I have a million things going through my mind at all times and now im back to a place where I used to be where I have to sleep with a notebook on my bed for when I cant sleep just to get what im thinking about out of my head. Thats an amazing place to be.
So here we go. Enjoy your Sunday!